Fregoli Cotard

14.12.2018

Serious question for people who moved to live in another country: Do you miss your home country? And if yes, how are you dealing with it? I’ve been thinking a lot about this recently. It seems that I’m starting to miss Romania more and more these days but in a weird and co-depended way. I feel like when I moved here, I got split in half. Each half has a pause and resume button. When I’m in Poland, this Irina is playing, when I go to Romania, I press pause and Poland Irina freezes in mid-air and Romania Irina resumes action. I have memories, of course from both of the Irinas. It’s not a split personality I am talking about. I am more feeling that the time I spend in one place, stays stills and waits for me in the second place. Does that make sense? Minus one or two days of adjustments, each place gives me completely the mind frame and emotions that I’ve had and felt in its boundaries.
Secondly, I feel like these two states are co-dependent to each other. They both seem amazing and essential viewed through the lens of the other. I miss Romania here, from Poznan, and I miss my life in Poznan from Romania. I’m idealizing the other when I’m in one. And I might be wrong, but it looks like they can’t live one without the other.  And, I’m sorry, but that is kinda wacky, yo. 
I wished I could have written this text better, perhaps more witty or at least a little bit poetic. But alas, I’m hungry and I’m much much more interested in hearing stories from people that have a longing in their hearts. Write to me. 

I’ve been listening to Katie Melua’s Piece by Piece all day today. 

#348of365

13.12.2018

Irina Gubanova was a film actress and a ballerina from Russia. She was married for only four years with Russian actor Sergei Gurzo. Her last film is called Homo Novus and was shot in 1990, the year I was born. 

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12.12.2018

I know this photo is not up to my usual standards. The background is kinda messy, there is no “composition” and it’s grainy as hell. But this is a daily journal. There is no fancy photoshoot that I could take once a week and then mix and match and play with my Insta grid until it all looks “curated” and amazing. I am posting a photo from that day and some days are hectic like this one. Today I had to finish a work project, deliver it, pack my bags (which takes me around four hours because I have to pack and repack so I can fit in the weight limit but still be able to take everything back with me), visit my grandma before leaving, go to Bucharest and only in the late evening I was able to catch a breath, when I took this photo.
But I’m happy I got to see my friends again ^_^ 

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11.12.2018

Last day in Giurgiu. 

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10.12.2018

“Când oi fi cu capu-n nori
Vântule să mă cobori’

https://youtu.be/cdp4RztbXqo

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09.12.2018

I saw two pretty girls today. 

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08.12.2018

How my day went: I couldn’t sleep. Then your alarm went off and you couldn’t even hear it. Kyo went into this whole in the wardrobe and then everyone woke up. But in those two hours of sleep I dreamed I was a secret agent. Which tea would you like? Some cake? Please come again. I’m going to miss you. Time to leave. The air is cold. Take the bus, which one, where do we get off? Someone tells us. We walk. Hello, I haven’t seen you since you got married. Coffee? I already had tea. She’s not home yet. She might miss you. Let me check my phone. Oh no. oh no no no. I made a mistake. Noon as in 12, not noon as in 2 pm. Oh no…I have to go. I’m so sorry. Like…SO sorry. It’s ok. Make another call, walk fast. Oh. I actually have time. Go round, which birthday card, this one. Or maybe this one. We didn’t know it was his birthday. Oh. I forgot something for her birthday. I seem to be missing all the birthdays…Here he is! Let’s go in. Oh. It’s packed. She sees me, says “wow” but then she walks away. It’s packed. Let’s go to my favourite place. Ok. You can stay here but only until 5 pm, ok? Ok. One beer and something to eat. Only had tea today. He comes. I look in wonder. I feel like home but in Dianei 4. Let me text the other. Finish your meeting and come. Ok, I’m close to you. Don’t say that (unless you mean it). Finish your bath and come. I need you here. She comes. More beers. You can’t possibly imagine how happy I am to see you, guys. He comes. More beers. It’s starting to spin. I write hey, you can come as well. You and your wife. It’s like that time, but much brighter and there are no candles. I’m pretty sure I’m the only one who understood that. But I’m willing to make it work with bright and no candles. Just to get my fix. Let’s go for a smoke. Why do you do that? You look weird doing that. I just want to fit in. I want to fit. It’s like when you eat so much to show how much you missed them, you know? I’m pretty sure I’m the only one who understood that. Back in. Grabbed his apron. Ask for fries a couple of times. Some water. More beer. Cheese comes. These are not fries. He goes out. I take the glass for him. I write all over his stuff. I don’t remember what I wrote, but I was thinking of the matchbox my mum found me. The one with the secret message on. If I wrote about the matchbox, I’m pretty sure I’m the only one who understood that. Out again. Are you happy? I’m happy? She works with some misogynistic people. The ground is spinning but I’m walking straight in front. By the fence. There are some nice flowers here in the spring. I feel I can’t breathe again. Every time this happens. I can’t breathe. But it’s been years. And yet it’s like yesterday. Last chance. Too much. I can be happy with this. That’s all I wanted to hear. I wanted to know I’m not the only one. Let’s look at the patterns. So much pain you gave me about this and now you go and do exactly the same with the Polish stuff. I love that. Time to leave. Manele. Goodbyes. Kisses on the cheeks. This is mine. What are you playing nice on that screen of yours? Another drink at home. I’ve been over myself. So it’s like because it never happened? No. It’s because it happened and I miss it. It’s like a drug. If I stay away, I’m ok. When I come close, I burn. Do you know? I’m in over my head…I’m in over my head. All over again…

#342of365

07.12.2018

Still in love with how this place looks.
I spent a really nice day today with my mum, my aunt and my cousin. We had a girls night out and went and watched Crimes of Grindelwald. (Anyone wants to talk about it? I have so many questions…)

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06.12.2018

Santa came! Today we celebrated Saint Nicholas. Between the 5th and the 6th Saint Nicholas will come to everyone’s homes and drop a little gift (usually sweets or fruits) into the boots of nice children. You’re supposed to clean and prepare your shoes for him the night before. The naughty children will get a stick. I was always excited about this when I was little. Saint Nicholas coming was the beginning of the winter holidays. 

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05.12.2018

Can’t get enough of these snow covered plants. Also, I am super busy. I don’t have time to go outside for too long, so I have to make do with what’s around the place 😂

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04.12.2018

This is how my hometown looks like. 
I went with my mum for some shopping and it was terrible. The roads and sidewalks are covered in glossy slippery ice, the air is very cold and I ended up not trying on any clothes because I didn’t feel like removing the millions of layers I had on me. 

#338of365

03.12.2018

I love this

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02.12.2018

Take me to your river
I wanna go
Oh, go on
Take me to your river
I wanna know

#336of365

01.12.2018

Today we celebrated the Great Union Day. A full 100 years passed since our country got united into a single state. I mostly stayed indoors, worked and went out for a quick walk in the -8 feels like -15 weather. fun. 

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30.11.2018

Grandma’s old coffee set. 

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